february/march 2025: on grief and joy
oh, to feel everything all at once.
when i go through emotionally complex moments i always wonder if i’m alone in my experience. after deciding that i am, i try to find the root cause of why i’m so “weird” and not “like everyone else”. and then about 12 hours later i come to the sobering realization that out of every single human being in all of their years, in all of the years of the earth existing, that there’s likely no way that i am alone in any experience. then i let everything linger and let the contradictory feelings just breath.
that’s what a lot of the 7 weeks since i last wrote has been for me. there’s been a lot of pivotal moments and news that sends me into moments of such splitting feelings. in this newsletter, i’ll cover:
life updates: i’m moving to austin!
feeling my feelings: both grief and joy
what i’m reading/listening to
plotting and planning
i’m going to be a longhorn!
last summer i wrote about how i stopped dreaming at some point— that i loved living in california when i did, that i had a job offer that would take me back stateside and then everything went to shit because of COVID and because i was trying very, very hard to convince myself that i wanted the same cozy life that my ex-boyfriend did.
in the months since, i’ve thought a lot about my career trajectory and how exactly i could make it all happen again. maybe i’d move temporarily to san francisco to see how my current partner and i like it there, maybe we’d move to the west coast of canada. but ultimately i felt like it was all a band-aid fix for what i was really after: a more inspiring career in which i’m not just an ad purchaser, living in a new place, and the ripe opportunity to gain more work experience in the US.
and if i’m being completely candid, i completely fucked my chances up of getting an H1-B or a TN visa (the waterloo cali or busters will understand) when i dropped out of my business program in my freshman year of university and went all in on my legal studies major. now, despite having 6 years of marketing experience, it would still be nearly impossible to make a case for myself.
this lead me to look seriously at going back to school and the different master’s programs i could consider. an MBA felt like overkill, as the price tag and broader field of study isn’t worth the investment for me. i looked at ms in marketing programs across Canada and the US and realized that paying international tuition at an american school would actually be cheaper than going to a second-rate canadian university. so i looked and looked and landed on 3 schools, as all of the post-grad advisors say applicants should. a “safety” school, that you’d definitely get into but maybe isn’t the most competitive, a "first choice” school that you think you’re perfectly suited for, and a “reach” school, that you may not be the most competitive applicant in and is a big of a dream.
my options were: cal state long beach, my “safety" school: incredibly cheap, i’d get to live in california (again!!) and the classes are all in the evenings. john’s hopkins carey school of business, my “first choice” school: so, so, so expensive, but i’d definitely be a competitive applicant and the brand name of hopkins might carry me. and the university of texas at austin, my “reach” school: it’s ranked the 2nd best ms in marketing program in the country, competitive, cheap (but not as cheap as long beach, and still an investment).
before i even applied to john’s hopkins i decided there was just no way for me to afford $88k USD for a 10 month program, i didn’t want to be in D.C. or Baltimore, and it wasn’t worth me applying to. plus, JHU didn’t show up in any ms in marketing rankings. the cal state long beach application was due in march so i could push it off. so i sent my lone application off to UT Austin and received an invitation to interview a few weeks later. at the end of that interview, the program director said he’d be pleased to extend an offer of admission to me.
grief and joy simultaneously
it took another 2 weeks after that interview and verbal offer to get the official acceptance letter. when i did, i was relieved for a split second, and then immediately scared and kind of sad. i still am.
i guess i didn’t think i’d get this far and i didn’t know how to emotionally prepare myself. there’s nothing wrong with my life now as i know it, except for the fact that part of me feels like i didn’t choose it for myself. with the joy and excitement that comes with moving to a new city and different country comes a lot of sadness, because the kitchener-waterloo chapter of my life is coming to an end in the next few months.
“the defining decade: why your 20s matter and how to make the most of them now” is one of the most impactful books i’ve ever read. in the relationships section, the author writes about how choosing your partner is your chance to choose your family. as much as i love my own family, we have a unique relationship that is best served with 300km of distance between us. my partner’s family, however, is pretty much all that i could ever want or ask for. kind, funny, wonderful— after my partner’s sister had her 2 daughters, his parents moved into a home the next street over from hers so that they could be closer to them. we have frequent cottage weekends on lake huron during the summer. we rent our little downtown loft from them.
the same goes for friends: i have a few still left in waterloo, and i’m close enough to those in toronto to still maintain a relationship with them. my partner’s friends are pretty much as wonderful as his family. i’m in a bookclub with the girls of his friend group, i’ve gone to their various recitals and performances, and they’ve come to mine.
so, yes, moving to austin is going to be a very fun adventure. it’s one that i feel is overdue for me and my partner. i’m excited about the program i got into, and i’m excited to eat texas bbq and take in a college football game. but that’s co-existing with the deep feelings of grief that come with wrapping up my current chapter of life.
it’s like a breakup or getting let go from a job or leaving for a trip: you cannot have everything, and you must let go in order to make way for what’s next. the only thing scarier to me then moving and changing my entire life is the idea of spending yet another year feeling complacent or stagnant. putting off my dream of living near the ocean. being bogged down by excuses as to why i shouldn’t, instead of reasons why i should.
what i’m reading and listening to
my interest in books about the central valley of california continues. i loved big sur by jack kerouac although it does end desperately sad. i’ve moved on to east of eden by john steinbeck (thanks kait for updating your goodreads to include your coworkers favorite books).
prisoners of geography: ten maps that tell you everything you need to know about global politics by tim marshall. when i was young my dad had this massive world map that i would unroll and just look at and ponder about different places. i attribute my love of travel and passive interest in geography to that map.
the book club book this month is part of your world by abby jimenez. i haven’t started it yet, but a few of the book clubbers have and are enjoying it!
during my short lived celebration of getting into ut austin i got into a random mish-mash of country-ish music. orville peck, rattlesnake milk, and uncle lucius are all on my recently played.
i’ve been listening to a lot of jordan harbinger’s podcast lately. there’s a lot of variety in his podcast episode structures ranging from reader mail to deep dives on topics (more or less monologue-y) and interviews with former fbi agents, narcos, celebrities, etc. but more importantly (and this is not sponsored!!!) i’ve been doing his 6-minute networking course. it’s completely free, and if you get a message from me after not speaking for a few years, this course is probably why.
plotting and planning
i have some exciting work news that i have to sit on for a bit, but i guess on top of preparing for an international move and starting school, i will also be taking on a little extra something-something.
the big move is going to be mid-late june. i start classes in july. if you’re in kitchener/waterloo or toronto, i would love to see you before i leave. i’ll also be running the bay bridge half in oakland on may 4 and will be in SF for the few days before the race.
i’m still teaching yoga at big bliss in downtown kitchener— message me if you’d like to come, and maybe we can get a smoothie or something after!
lots of love, xoxoxoxo,
julie
p.s. in addition to literally 4ft of snow throughout february in waterloo, i got BRONCHITIS!!! and was out for like 2 weeks and was pretty much an NPC during that time so i have no photos besides of food and my dog, but here’s some film photos of travels from nov/dec/jan.
