You should date other people.

Or, at least think about it.

This essay is a writing assignment from the course I’m taking, The Write of Passage. It doesn’t quite fit into my “Open Roads” series, but it deserves to be published. Thank you

Vidhika Bansal

,

Siesta in the Storm

, and the many others who left thoughtful feedback on this piece.

I’ve cheated on every single guy I’ve ever dated. 

After one of those instances, I felt so ridden with guilt that I truly believed I didn’t deserve to live. But years after that relationship went by, and after many situationships, I ended up with my last boyfriend. This is my chance to prove that I’m not a piece of shit, I thought. 

And then, I cheated on him, too. I went on a girls trip to Tulum, Mexico, with my best friend. On the second last day of our trip, after watching her go home with a new guy nearly every night with envy, I slept with a Scottish guy I met at the bar.

I went home to Canada and broke up with my now-ex boyfriend. I never admitted to cheating on him, despite him accusing me of it every day for the 2 weeks we lived together after the breakup. 

I confessed all of this to my current boyfriend (who I’ll refer to as “boyfriend” as if it were his name, from here on out) within our first month of dating each other. The expectation was that he’d politely nod and eventually stop speaking to me. The reality was it sparked soul-bearing, never-ending discussions between the two of us.

These discussions included the fact that when I was 14, my entire family found out that my dad had been cheating on my mom for years. And every time that I would cheat after that, I became plagued with guilt and helplessness, wondering if I inherited some cheating, scumbag gene from my father. 

While I really, really didn’t want him to, I would have never blamed Boyfriend if he ran for the hills and never looked back. It’s not like I was entering our relationship with the best track record. 

Instead, he responded with vulnerability and openness. He spoke about his own uncertainties about finding “the one” and being monogamous; he too, witnessed and dealt with the fallout of his father’s infidelities. And when Boyfriend struggled to find himself in a fruitful relationship, he wondered if his life would be boiled down to dating lots of different people forever. 

the king of non-ethical, non-monogamy, don draper.

I know that Boyfriend is the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.

Or at least, a little while longer. 

Instead of feeling guilt, shame, and debilitating depression when there are thoughts of being with someone else, I’m met with curiosity, a deep interest, and ultimately, love. From myself, and almost as importantly, from my partner. I no longer wonder if I inherited the scumbag cheating gene from my dad.

We started talking about having an open relationship when I started working as a marketer at Feeld. Feeld is a dating app that was made for people in non-traditional relationships: open relationships, polyamorous relationships, pretty much anything under the sun as long as it involved consenting adults. 

Practicing polyamory is not a requirement of working at Feeld. Accepting and practicing radical curiosity, pushing arbitrary boundaries, and valuing (consensual) connection above all else, is. 

Feeld was the perfect place for me to work. Most people find comfort in rules and regulations, norms and best practices. For me, I find that they dilute the true and authentic feelings I might have on any given thing. 

In this open relationship, I find myself deeply committed and loving Boyfriend as a person as he lives and grows. If that growth means he finds himself wanting to be with someone else, I earnestly want him to pursue it, because it’s what’s best for him. I respect and encourage all of the different ways he can grow. And I feel the exact same thing reciprocated -- he often tells me how much he wants me to “suck all of the sweet juices out of this life”. This is exactly how I want my partner to love me.

It’s a massive contrast from my previous, monogamous relationship. I once told my ex that my dream city to live in was Miami— I could SCUBA dive, go to pro sports games, and catch cheap flights to Latin America. He responded by saying that Florida was filled with guns and junkies. That there was no need to leave Canada, and he didn’t understand the appeal of SCUBA diving. In that relationship, there were no sweet juices for me. 

“I could never do that, I’m too jealous”. 

This is the most common reaction I get from folks when I tell them I’m in an open relationship. 

And I, too, am jealous. I sympathize with that. When I started dating Boyfriend (before we were open), I asked him to unfollow all of his exes on Instagram because it didn’t make sense to me that he wanted to “keep the door open”. 

But what else in life are we stopping ourselves from just because we told ourselves we “could never do that”? How limiting it must be, to follow one singular narrative that you have for yourself, without questioning or pushing the bounds of it. While I still get feelings of jealousy, I force myself to a place beyond them. This happens through “exposure therapy”, which is getting jealous feelings over and over again until I recognize them as unproductive, and an earnest desire to know more about Boyfriend. It was something I needed to do if I wanted to hear about my partner’s experiences and to feel what he feels— both things that contribute to our bond.

His desire, attention, and affection isn’t pie; more of it given to someone else doesn’t mean less for me. It has been a true testament to myself of what I’m capable of and how much more I have to grow. 

You should date other people.

Or at the very least, think about it. Talk about it. If you’re in a relationship, ask your partner if it’s something they’ve ever thought about. And ask them to answer candidly, as if there were no right or wrong answer. 

Most people enter monogamous relationships by default. But, by questioning why we want to be with one person and one person only, loving them becomes more of an active choice, and less of an obligation. The most successful couples will tell you that love isn’t a feeling, but a series of repeated decisions. 

And maybe, for you, this isn’t really about dating other people. Maybe there’s something in your life that doesn’t feel quite right, like you’re trying to fit into shoes that are half a size too small. I encourage you to dig deeper by imagining a world where you can have your cake and eat it too— no preconceived notions, limiting beliefs, or senseless fear in the way.