September 2023 Stand-up
Autumn is a feeling, not a temperature
The summer temps continued on into September, pretty much only ending as of today (writing this on September 28). Despite the warm, sunny days, I felt an energy shift this month— less showing off, more deep work. Waking up for 7AM gym sessions are getting more difficult, I want soup all of the time, and I feel like I need a machine arm to re-apply chapstick and moisturizer at a cadence that’s satisfactory for me. This is all fine by me.
It’s been a month of transition, of highs and lows, and I finally feel like I understand where I am. In this newsletter, I’ll cover:
The season of sowing seeds: taking a breath and enjoying where I am
I published my first full essay!
What I’m listening to and reading
Planning and plotting for October
This is where I am.
I have a lot of new things going on right now. I’ve started working with a marketing agency, spearheading growth marketing efforts on a few accounts. I completed my CanFitPro Fitness Instructor Specialist course in an attempt to get ahead of my yoga-teaching dreams. I’m writing and publishing. It’s all new.
And throughout all of this I torture myself by looking at job postings and doom-scrolling on LinkedIn, screaming at myself for not having found a full-time job yet, dreading the job market as a whole, grieving the loss of my last role.
There has been no room for the new things I’m doing to take up my mental space. Especially once you throw in things like my own personal therapy journey (I increased the frequency of my appointments because I kind of felt like a wreck a few months ago), half-marathon training, a social life, my relationship, my new home. There’s even less room when my free time feels occupied by the nagging voice in my head about my job prospects and comings and goings.
I realized this week that I’ve been wanting to give myself this time to pivot, reset, and find something new and more fulfilling, but I actually haven’t been doing that. My career coach came up with the following analogy for me this week: I’m in the season of sowing and planting seeds. They’ll sprout and grow and bloom eventually, especially if I give them the care and nurturing they need right now. But, there are things I can’t rush, I can’t stress or nag myself to happen.
I’m really thankful that I have the privilege to take this time and explore myself and my own pursuits more. It sucks that I’ve spent the last few months with one leg in the world of “resetting” and the other leg in the world of “get another job now or you’re useless”, because as a result, I haven’t done either thing. But, I am where I am now. I’ll enjoy and trust the process, and hope to be a bit more open and intentional about what comes of the seeds I’m sowing: the yoga teacher seeds, the writing seeds, the work with the marketing agency seeds. I want to give all of these the care and time and investment they require to become fully bloomed.
Open Roads Chapter 1 is out!
I did it! I published my first full essay. I’m excited to get more out there and excited for you all to read a bit of it. Part of my writing pursuits is beginning a course called the Write of Passage— I hope to become less intellectually isolated, and more comfortable with publishing from it. I know I’ll come out of it a stronger writer.
Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 1:
I started to see all of the things my mom wanted for me in a partner coming to fruition. A guy with a good job, good family, and could speak to her in her native tongue. I saw the attention to detail he had for the food he was making me, and noticed that the palette of the sauce, despite being Italian inspired, was very Vietnamese. He added a bit of fish sauce to it, for crying out loud. It’s the sort of attention to the balance of a dish that I grew up with and used in my own cooking— I might be biased, but I do believe that Vietnamese food is so good because of the balance of acid, salt, and fat. It was crazy to me that we both had the same nuanced experience with our cultures growing up— the accents being mocked by Vietnamese folks from the south, the feeling “in between.”
Two weeks after our first date, I began gearing up for a trip to Ecuador that had no end date in mind. I think we were both alright with the casual nature of dating each other, and figured we’d see where we were at when and if I came back from South America. He came over for me to cook for him a few nights before I left, and we hooked up for the first time. At first, he didn’t reach for a rubber, which is always a bit of a flag for me. He complied when I insisted and provided one of my own, but not before claiming he “didn’t have anything”. Things felt mechanical and a tad bit forced, which I chalked up to first-time awkwardness and just him being a typical, selfish guy in bed. Plenty of oral for him, (during which he asked me if I thought he was big), and none for me. We did a few different positions before I got bored and told him to get behind me. Some fake moans and exaggerated hair flips later, while he was still inside me, I heard him say, “I’m good”.
“Uh, what?”
“Like, I’m done.”
That was it. I thought maybe the first time sleeping with anyone is a bit awkward and maybe not the most fun, but it was incredibly jarring to me to just hear someone say “I’m good” when they’ve finished. We laid next to each other, cuddling, for the socially acceptable amount of time, before I pointed out that I wanted to make it to my 7AM gym session the next day, and he was on his way out.
Want more? Read the entire chapter and subscribe here.
What I’m listening to and reading
I’m in my electro-Peggy Gou phase right now. Good for bopping your head or having a dance party alone in your kitchen.
I finished Sheena Patel’s I’m a Fan. A 3/5 for me. Cleverly written and relatable but I didn’t love the writing style for an entire book.
I started Haruki Murakami’s What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. I love the Japanese authors short stories (although I know he’s a bit controversial), but this book is more of a memoir. Perfectly suited for my upcoming half-marathon.
Planning and Plotting for October
Oktoberfesting, Stratford festival, Thanksgiving, a half-marathon, squeezing in some friend time, and a last minute trip to Squamish, British Columbia, for an apartment swap. It’ll be a busy but fun-filled month for me. Oh, and I’m starting that 5-week writing course.
What are you all reading, what are you up to? Can we watch football together and I can make snackies and food? Reach out to me if you’re around, or send me a little note if you’re not.
I don’t have a good sign off, and I haven’t even been working on one,
Julie