November 2023 Stand-up
nothing is here to stay, and christmas!
In case you missed it: I’m officially a registered 200-hour yoga teacher!
I don’t think that yoga is a way to stay in shape, improve flexibility, or just look like a badass while your entire weight is in the palm of your hands. For me, yoga yanked me out of the perpetual depression and anxiety and suicidal ideation wheel that I continuously found myself in year after year. I couldn’t be more thankful to spend 3 weeks absolutely immersed in it this month.
It wasn’t easy. I cried, had mental breakdowns, wanted to run away and hide several times, stopped ingesting caffeine (and *most* substances), and took 12 hours of silence every day. I yearned for the day that I would be released from the shackles of my yoga teacher training course, yet here I am. Scared. Not trusting myself to maintain the life-giving habits I was forced into. Worried that the learnings will dissipate from my mind before I even get to apply them to “real life”.
In this newsletter, I’ll cover:
The one thing that will stop me from reaching “enlightenment”
Food highlight: cacao
Reads and ear candy from this month
Planning and plotting for December
There’s an 8-limbed path of yoga.
Patanjali, one of the ancient guru’s and mystics of yoga tells us that if we follow it, we’ll eventually reach or come close to reaching enlightenment. This is a mass oversimplification, but let’s roll with it.
This 8-limbed path includes things like how we should interact with the world (called yamas) and how we should moderate ourselves (called niyamas). One of the prescriptions of the yamas is the act of non-attachment. Non-attachment to the idea of ourselves, to people in our lives, to things, to places, to expectations, to outcomes. And while I could get behind things like practicing non-stealing, or saucha (the act of purification), I could not bring myself to picture fully detaching.
I think that my boyfriend and future husband (it’s something we’ve talked about, I’m not jumping the gun, I swear) is stopping me from reaching enlightenment. Yes, there are many, many other things stopping me from getting there. But at least I can picture myself doing them.
The thought of losing him, picturing my life without him, or not trying to grasp onto our relationship with white-knuckle hands, is stopping me from even dreaming about enlightenment. The idea of being okay with losing the one person who makes me feel like a normal, loved human being for the first time in my life is not something I can picture. Sometimes I tell him how much I love him and immediately begin to feel sadness because I’m terrified of losing him— through a breakup, freak accident, etc.
But I know that letting go of this fear, and ultimately, the attachment I have to him and our relationship isn’t just the “key” to end my suffering. It’s how I’ll begin to enjoy things in the present moment. It’s how I’ll yank myself out of my depression/anxiety cycle. It’s how I’ll ultimately show up as the best partner for him that I can be.
Loco for Cacao
I haven’t had coffee since October 17, the day that I ran a half-marathon. It actually hasn’t been difficult for me— I prioritized good quality sleep. Before I left for yoga teacher training, I’d have a tea or yerba mate instead of the coffee. During the training, the queue for the hot water was always so long that I just defaulted to water.
Unless, of course, cacao was involved.
In Mayan culture, cacao is considered sacred. The tree it grows from were worshipped while Mayas were away from home, serving as protection to them. Eventually, cacao was only served to “royals”. Now, it’s a common drink across Mayan communities throughout Latin America, and especially in Guatemala.
On days that I needed a little “pick-me-up”, I’d order a cacao picante— pure cacao grated then boiled with soy milk, chili pepper, and spices. It was a sip of sweet/bitter/spicy/creamy heaven.
Reads and ear candy
A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. This was assigned reading for my course that has flipped my entire world upside down and then right way up. It’s philosophy, spirituality, self-help, all in one.
In between Eckhart Tolle and Yoga of the Subtle body (our textbook), I was re-reading Men Without Women by Murakami. I consider this my comfort read, despite how deeply unsettling some of the stories are. It’s my equivalent of rewatching The Office for the 23rd time.
I watched Don’t Worry Darling on the plane ride to Guatemala. I’d highly recommend it despite the mixed reviews and on-set tea from last year.
On repeat this month: Kali Uchis (collabed with Karol G for in Labios Mordidos…. too good), The Arctic Monkeys, and Men I Trust.
Planning and plotting for December
I head to Panama for a short vacation with my boyfriend. Coffee (in moderation, which means I’ll have a few sips before I give the cup to him), beaches, and seafood are in the plan for us.
Then, I’m home and celebrating my favorite time of year! I’m looking forward to trying to strengthen my yoga practice even more, watch football, put up my christmas tree, and maybe, make some of y’all some cacao?
What are you up to? What are you reading? What dish do you wish was really omitted from Christmas dinners?
With love and mindful breaths,
Julie