Catching up on April/May/June
I'm back, and I'm not better now, but I will be.
I took a break from writing after my last standup which was sent at the beginning of April. As the days began to drag on and the little calendar icon on my phone turned to May, and then June, I kept wondering how I’d return to writing on my Substack. I was hoping for a turn in luck, something that would help me announce a triumphant return.
Instead, I write to you all in the middle of the work day on a Monday, entering week 2 after being made redundant from a job and role and company I considered my “dream job”, feeling jaded, bloated, and fantasizing about playing Assassin’s Creed on my boyfriend’s PS4. In this newsletter, I’ll go over:
Life updates— why I took a break, getting let go, and the “dream” of having someone who wants you to come home
Munchies: granola and rhubarb upside down cake
Photo dump
Planning and plotting for the rest of June
First off— why are we here?
There’s some new subscribers to my newsletter, but just to reiterate (or maybe iterate for the first time?)— I started this newsletter to keep in touch with friends near and far. I like it when I get responses to these monthly updates, as well. I like hearing about what you’re reading, and what you have going on. If you care enough to be subscribed to this, I care enough to value your opinions and happenings in life.
But most of all, I started these stand-up’s because I firmly believe in leading with courage and vulnerability in the world. Although these two things seem like they contradict themselves, I think it takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable, to bear your soul, to share your feelings, fears, and beyond. I think it takes one person being vulnerable with courage to give others the courage to face something or think about something that they wouldn’t have otherwise.
Life Updates
Why I took a break from writing: I don’t want to get into this too much as I feel like I’m still digesting it, but I essentially got back to Canada at the end of April after spending time in Europe feeling deeply uncomfortable and frankly, disliking myself. I didn’t feel like there was anything worth sharing or worth documenting. I wanted to crawl into a hole and sleep and cry and workout and cook. I was also faced with my job description being changed at work and wanted to place my focus on that as well.
So, I deleted my personal Instagram, eased back into things, saw my family, saw a limited number of friends, and dove head first into work. I was also slowly moving my things into my boyfriend’s apartment, and it’s sort of safe to say that most things in my life took a backseat to work as I felt like I needed to focus on gaining confidence and conviction in that part of my life.
And then, 5 weeks after I was given a change in my job description, I was let go from Feeld, along with several others, after a “cost exercise” was performed by the leadership team.
I’m okay, and I will be okay. It is unfortunately a role that I really enjoyed, and a company with a culture and mission that felt so aligned with me personally, so I’m still reeling over the loss. However, part of the severance package is that some folks are given an additional “post-breakup makeover budget” in addition to severance pay, and I must say, it does the job in terms of rallying up excitement, optimism, and enthusiasm with finding a new role.
The dream: come home, the kids miss you (like the Jack Harlow album, but not)
I’m taking some time before I fully jump into job searching to rest, relax, and regroup. One of the first things I did after crying and messaging my work besties when I was let go was message my friend Sammy, a fucking unit of a woman who I met in Ecuador last year, and was fortunate enough to reunite with this year in Nicaragua and Ecuador again. Sammy is a perpetual traveller, only having gone home to the UK once last year because she needed to fix her laptop. I told her what had happened and asked her where the hell in the world she is now. She’s in Colombia, she told me, but she’s planning on finding a house near a surf break in Costa Rica with our friends Dani and Cameron, an Israeli and an Aussie I met this year in Ecuador.
I told her to count me in, I did some quick math, and booked a flight to Nicaragua (because we liked the vibe there better than Costa Rica). It’s currently a one-way ticket, booked for 2 days after my boyfriend’s childhood best friend’s wedding. I don’t know when I want to come home. My boyfriend has a wonderful, solid group of friends who invited us to their cottage for 3 weeks after my arrival in Nicaragua, and I don’t really want to miss out in it.
Before being let go, I pictured our summer consisting of home renos, shopping for furniture, walks around our local park, going strawberry picking, and in true Canadiana core fashion, lots of cottaging. Now, I’ve had a the golden opportunity to go back to my literal favorite country in the world, with some incredible people, and this time, without the restriction of working a full-time job remote. I could surf to my hearts desire, explore the Caribbean islands off the coast of Nicaragua which I’ve never done despite visiting the country 3 times now, and most importantly, I could go back to my Nirvana, Isla de Ometepe.
The torment of deciding when I should come back to Canada literally ate away at me, in addition to all of the other fun feelings one gets when they’re let go from a job. And then this morning, I had a moment of realization: I’ve literally been so desperate for this exact problem, not that long ago.
In December of 2019, I set off for my post-graduation backpacking trip across Latin America. Again, I had a one-way ticket booked to Guatemala and a rough idea of countries I wanted to visit, but otherwise, no other parameters to operate within. It sounds like a dream for some people, but it only took a few days for me to become incredibly anxious about not having a plan, and incredibly sad that my physical presence wasn’t being demanded by anyone, to be anywhere, at any time. “I just wish that I had people”, I said, tearfully, to several of my friends while FaceTiming them from hostel dorm beds.
What I meant is that I wished someone missed me enough to wish that I would come home, or wanted me around enough that they’d ask me to change my travel plans for them, or that my family had a genuine reason for wanting me home besides just being scared that I’d be kidnapped and murdered.
Now, I have people, things, and places to come home to. I have a boyfriend who insists that I take the time that I need to rest, to explore Nicaragua, to do what I need to do, but would still wish that I was here. We have friends and family who are excited to have us back in the country after spending most of the first half of this year gone. We have community members who said things like “It’s been a while, welcome back!” after we returned from traveling. So, while it has been a bit tormenting to have to decide on frolicking around Nicaragua or coming home to peak Canadiana, I’m also so, so thankful to have this problem, because it’s what past me once wished for.
Munchies
I love cooking and I love food. I’ve never liked baking. I don’t like weighing out ingredients (beyond saying I need a pound of X meat), and I don’t like that things can go awry if you mix it too much, don’t add a pinch of salt, etc. I do however, find this limiting, and given the new found time on my hands, I’ve been slowly exposing myself to more baking adventures. We’re starting this small with making my own granola, and engaging in a weekly granola swap with my best friend. I give her a jar from my batch, she gives me a jar from her batch, and then we can take ideas from each others granola and incorporate it into the next batch we make.
I made this upside-down rhubarb cake because ‘tis the season. It’s literally the most forgiving and delicious cake I’ve made. It wasn’t cooked when I had to leave the apartment for hot yoga, so I turned off the oven and left it in there. Then, I came home, realized it still wasn’t cooked, and put it in an oven at my friend’s house that was being prepped for pizza (literally almost 500 degrees). It turned out phenomenally. And, it inspired me to get a Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer. I will force myself to enjoy baking.
Photo Dump
This is usually where books, podcasts, and music I’ve been listening to go. But I got nothing for ya, so here’s some photos from recently.
Planning and Plotting for June
I’m going to be doing a lot more writing. I don’t know when I’ll be back from Nicaragua and I don’t know what kind of roles I’m looking for yet. I’m applying to jobs very slowly and with a lot of consideration right now, but I think I want to leave myself time to do some courses and explore other avenues of work.
What are you reading? What music do I need to add to my summer playlist? What should I attempt to make with my KitchenAid Stand Mixer??
Love and smiles,
Julie